In the United States, marriage and employment offers a citizen certain rights or access to things that non-marrieds don't have. Mostly it offers cost drops in getting healthcare, tax breaks, or buying into any number of group plans be it memberships to a Box Store, or car insurance. Now generally things have relaxed a bit, and a household at the same address get those perks if you will. Which I guess perks are different than right and privileges. Withholding or granting rights and privileges seems kind of hoity toity.
In Canada, England, France, Australia, and New Zealand for starters, being a citizen of that country entitles you to the same rights and privileges of any other citizen of that country. If you need healthcare, an ambulance, decent housing, work or child care, as a citizen you have the same right and access to those services as a single, married, divorced, employed or unemployed. It doesn't matter. You are a citizen. Citizenship is the criterion.
In the United States then, the issue gays wanting to marry have brought to the surface the question, Why is marriage an institution through which the government can deny or provide certain rights and privileges, especially to its tax paying citizens? If gays want the right to marry in order to access certain rights and privileges denied them by the government, wouldn't it follow that anyone single is also denied the same rights and privileges? Singles who don't marry are just as single as gays who want to marry and are prevented legally. We have the right and choose not to use it. Yet if all citizens had the same rights as citizens, marriage could be for love, family, children, not economics, pensions, healthcare etc.
So is being single a discriminated position to have in America, in terms of not having the same rights and privileges as anyone else?
If all American citizens were given the same rights and privileges across the board that are currently denied some, then we'd need less paperwork, bureaucracy and yes, expense. Government workers wouldn't have to look for all the ways you might not qualify for something, but rather how you could. Oh, you're a citizen? Great, here you go. Oh you are married? Not Married? Single? Gay? Oh heck, it doesn't matter. Your marital status doesn't allow you more access or less access. It's all good.
Most of my straight friends never married. Many of them are Canadian, so they have health coverage, pensions, everything their married friends have. And if anyone gets divorced, you still keep your own health care, pension etc. Things don't get lost or reassigned in marriage or divorce from you as a citizen. How could it? You are still a citizen. And it is attached to your social security number. That relationship stays steady whereas the others may not be. My single American friends don't talk much about the legal rights and privileges they don't get because they haven't married. We saw unhappy marriages, so often getting into marriage doesn't appeal, so we feel, hey, maybe I have more personal rights not being married? At least under my own roof.
Yet to fight for the right to marry for anyone who wants to marry, it is important. Yet to me, the bigger issue is really that every individual in America who is a citizen of this country deserves the same rights and privileges as any other citizen. Single or married we pay taxes to help in the shared things we each need to keep this country running and healthy. Many of us pay taxes and provide support for things such as our public schools which we may never need directly. Yet single taxpayers for example, gay or straight, help pay these costs. We do that for the higher good. Instead, should we be asking that some of our tax contribution be redirected towards services we can gain access, like good healthcare coverage, pensions, etc.? Mmmmm a thought.
Discrimination by denying rights and privileges based on a person's marital status or employment is not a friendly practice. Or culture. We are all citizens. We each deserve what one another deserves.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What's it all about?
Ok, I have left my post. I stopped even checking here, so distracted by attending to life, the now, real moments. And sometimes words, or my observations or these kind of notes cannot reflect what is "composting".
And all of this is not so much about marriage, but how and why and the quality of the relationships we each choose to create with one another.
This past week I attended an "International Women's Film Festival" and I saw about 40 of the 80 films (lots were short films) programmed. The way people and relationships portrayed on screen were mostly sad or dark or painful,in my mind. Where is the joy and spirit of coupledom? or acceptance? or real love? Mr Jones, a short documentary about a well known actor/writer had the most balance to me of life with its ups and downs. I appreciated that. And one other that had a sense of humor and depth, as exhibited by writer Lois Brown. But the rest of it seemed dark, dark, dark. I am sure we can find ways to tell good stories with a balance of the dark and the light. It just seems that the light is not in evidence much, be it TV or film festivals.
And my interest is in how we are with one another in relationships? Are we humane? Caring? Kind? I guess that is always my quest around Why Get Married? Or why be in relationship if we feel more darkness than light?
And all of this is not so much about marriage, but how and why and the quality of the relationships we each choose to create with one another.
This past week I attended an "International Women's Film Festival" and I saw about 40 of the 80 films (lots were short films) programmed. The way people and relationships portrayed on screen were mostly sad or dark or painful,in my mind. Where is the joy and spirit of coupledom? or acceptance? or real love? Mr Jones, a short documentary about a well known actor/writer had the most balance to me of life with its ups and downs. I appreciated that. And one other that had a sense of humor and depth, as exhibited by writer Lois Brown. But the rest of it seemed dark, dark, dark. I am sure we can find ways to tell good stories with a balance of the dark and the light. It just seems that the light is not in evidence much, be it TV or film festivals.
And my interest is in how we are with one another in relationships? Are we humane? Caring? Kind? I guess that is always my quest around Why Get Married? Or why be in relationship if we feel more darkness than light?
Friday, August 08, 2008
Why Matters
I am pondering why a lot these days. Why get married was my first big question that wouldn't let go and took about 4 years from idea to finished dvd. I still have more questions about why get married, why we seek relationships yet seem to have trouble finding joy within them. Why do we think we are supposed to feel joy if we are? Why do some people plan what they are looking for in a person or relationship, some people "fall" into it, and regardless of how, each seem to have an equal chance of having happiness. Some try to be isolationists, figuring being in relationship is too hard, too exhausting, and has no joy for them. Why is that?
Some find joy in solitude and not in relationship. Some create solitude within their relationships so that they can feel joy.
I bought a microphone for my ipod and plan to interview people for podcasts, asking Why why why. And not just about relationships, but other issues that they feel passionate, want to share and answer a Why question.
Why you ask?
Because I seem compelled.
Some find joy in solitude and not in relationship. Some create solitude within their relationships so that they can feel joy.
I bought a microphone for my ipod and plan to interview people for podcasts, asking Why why why. And not just about relationships, but other issues that they feel passionate, want to share and answer a Why question.
Why you ask?
Because I seem compelled.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
The Wedding Machine
I am working on a short narrative script about a twenty-something couple planning to get married. In scene one they agree to get married and the rest of the story is their journey through "the wedding machine". My writing partner and I are having fun figuring this out from our different life perspectives.
Jim is a father of 3 grown kids in their 20's and 30's who aren't in sustaining relationships and talk to him about those concerns. I come at it from my non-conventional life and am curious how differently young people now can approach weddings and marriage. There is far more choice, and room, and acceptance to mold it all the way you want. Hip hip hooray.
It is fun to write a story that is based on all that I have learned through my research in documentaries on this subject. All I have ever wanted is to reach people on the topic of love, romance and long-term relationships. Telling a story is a new way for me to experiment with it, and it has some freedom and fun I must say.
These 2 characters, Lily and Josh, are becoming real to me. They have likes and dislikes, mannerisms, humor, smarts, and skills in the game industry I am having to learn about. Lily has a mother who I am writing with a traditional view of weddings ( that could change. I am toying with my authoring options) and there is stress on this young couple. Stress they hadn't imagined when they decided they loved each other and wanted to marry. So we are trying to show that, how stress builds, and a couple can be pulled in different directions when they don't want to go in any direction but together.
I am enjoying this creative process, and our deadline is next week, so I best get back to Lily and Josh.
Ta ta for now.
Jim is a father of 3 grown kids in their 20's and 30's who aren't in sustaining relationships and talk to him about those concerns. I come at it from my non-conventional life and am curious how differently young people now can approach weddings and marriage. There is far more choice, and room, and acceptance to mold it all the way you want. Hip hip hooray.
It is fun to write a story that is based on all that I have learned through my research in documentaries on this subject. All I have ever wanted is to reach people on the topic of love, romance and long-term relationships. Telling a story is a new way for me to experiment with it, and it has some freedom and fun I must say.
These 2 characters, Lily and Josh, are becoming real to me. They have likes and dislikes, mannerisms, humor, smarts, and skills in the game industry I am having to learn about. Lily has a mother who I am writing with a traditional view of weddings ( that could change. I am toying with my authoring options) and there is stress on this young couple. Stress they hadn't imagined when they decided they loved each other and wanted to marry. So we are trying to show that, how stress builds, and a couple can be pulled in different directions when they don't want to go in any direction but together.
I am enjoying this creative process, and our deadline is next week, so I best get back to Lily and Josh.
Ta ta for now.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Empty seats at a free screening are sad sad sad.
I was sad to see so few showed up for a free night of films. Is it that in NM people just don't attend free film events? Or that our film line-ups didn't interest people? Or we aren't good at getting the word out when we have free film events? Or that low turn- out for free film events happens in every state no matter what? Or that my expectation of healthy attendance is unrealistic?
I was looking forward to the 6:00 pm-9:30pm screening of several shorts and features Friday night, films produced by women. The evening was sponsored by several state/city funded art organizations. Why Get Married? was one of the longer films in the night's line-up, a Festival celebrating Women. (March is the month for that don't you know?)
Once my documentary screened, many shadowed figures left the theater. When I realized the lights weren't coming on between films, and so many had left, I went out to the lobby in case folks had questions. I needed to get to talk with a members of the audience who might have comments. I made the film for that very reason, to be part of a conversation about Why Get Married? I did have some nice exchanges with several who were happy to see and talk to me. I'm glad I did because by the night's end, many who'd seen Why Get Married? had left due to rumbling stomachs.
It was heartening for me to see how good my documentary looked on this big beautiful screen, and how well it flowed. I haven't seen it in over a year, and one can be critical of one's own work. I sat with my good friend Margaret, visiting from Nova Scotia. Her plane left early the next morning, yet she wanted to spend the evening with me at our state- of- the- art cultural center. There was a Q and A period at 9pm with the filmmakers. She wanted to see what that was like. There were 3 of us left by the end of the evening, facing about 20 people, most associated with the festival in some way or another.
I was sad that a free evening of film, sponsored by over 20 film/art organizations in the city/state were unable to help the filmmakers fill the seats. I am not sure what that means exactly. Too many variables to process I suppose, but marketing with personal outreach seems key key key to getting butts in the seats. Those marketing events need to personally invite specific people to come to these events. We all respond to personal contact as it feels as though our presence matters. Large email blasts, beautiful printed programs or generic posts alone won't do it. I did my best. Maybe my outreach efforts got 20% of the audience that flowed in/out that night.
It was an interesting and diverse film line-up in a swank theater. It was also a great opportunity and venue to have lively energy for the film festival. An audience creates the energy and is important to filmmakers naturally. Without enough people in a theater a screening feels entirely different, like there are energy leaks coming from all the empty seats.
So back to my original question, do free film events equal low turn-out just because they are "free"? Or did we not make enough effort to fill the seats, to make it a packed house, that would create buzz, goodwill and energy to build on for the next event?
My guess is an intermission and some good finger food would help attract and keep an audience for such an event. And fill the theater with great energy.
I was looking forward to the 6:00 pm-9:30pm screening of several shorts and features Friday night, films produced by women. The evening was sponsored by several state/city funded art organizations. Why Get Married? was one of the longer films in the night's line-up, a Festival celebrating Women. (March is the month for that don't you know?)
Once my documentary screened, many shadowed figures left the theater. When I realized the lights weren't coming on between films, and so many had left, I went out to the lobby in case folks had questions. I needed to get to talk with a members of the audience who might have comments. I made the film for that very reason, to be part of a conversation about Why Get Married? I did have some nice exchanges with several who were happy to see and talk to me. I'm glad I did because by the night's end, many who'd seen Why Get Married? had left due to rumbling stomachs.
It was heartening for me to see how good my documentary looked on this big beautiful screen, and how well it flowed. I haven't seen it in over a year, and one can be critical of one's own work. I sat with my good friend Margaret, visiting from Nova Scotia. Her plane left early the next morning, yet she wanted to spend the evening with me at our state- of- the- art cultural center. There was a Q and A period at 9pm with the filmmakers. She wanted to see what that was like. There were 3 of us left by the end of the evening, facing about 20 people, most associated with the festival in some way or another.
I was sad that a free evening of film, sponsored by over 20 film/art organizations in the city/state were unable to help the filmmakers fill the seats. I am not sure what that means exactly. Too many variables to process I suppose, but marketing with personal outreach seems key key key to getting butts in the seats. Those marketing events need to personally invite specific people to come to these events. We all respond to personal contact as it feels as though our presence matters. Large email blasts, beautiful printed programs or generic posts alone won't do it. I did my best. Maybe my outreach efforts got 20% of the audience that flowed in/out that night.
It was an interesting and diverse film line-up in a swank theater. It was also a great opportunity and venue to have lively energy for the film festival. An audience creates the energy and is important to filmmakers naturally. Without enough people in a theater a screening feels entirely different, like there are energy leaks coming from all the empty seats.
So back to my original question, do free film events equal low turn-out just because they are "free"? Or did we not make enough effort to fill the seats, to make it a packed house, that would create buzz, goodwill and energy to build on for the next event?
My guess is an intermission and some good finger food would help attract and keep an audience for such an event. And fill the theater with great energy.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Love versus Marriage?
Bonnie Eslinger wrote an interesting essay printed in the January 14, 2008 issue of Newsweek, called "Yes to Love, No to Marriage". Although he asked her, Bonnie said no to marrying Jeff, her beloved of 3 years. She loves him, is committed and together they have bought a house, and are planning their life together. Bonnie doesn't want the institution of marriage. Maybe it will get in the way of the committed love relationship she is creating with Jeff?
Bonnie wrote:
" Our married friends say you can make a wedding --and a marriage--what you want, but that is not true. It's a specific institution with defining principles and values. If it weren't, there wouldn't be so-called marriage-protection laws in the majority of this country's states."
I would be curious to talk to Jeff. He proposed to Bonnie last year. To propose, he must have felt at that time, marriage was what he wanted. Or what he thought was the natural next step to take a relationship farther, deepen it? Maybe he hadn't thought there was an option. If we don't get married, we'll break up? And having/not having children together also makes the decision to marry or not marry a different kind of one.
Many I interviewed for Why Get Married? said getting married was the only step we have as a society to say to our beloved and the outside world, "Hey, I really really love this person, and I am serious about our future together. " If this is what marriage is supposed to help us communicate to our loved one and the world these days (because that isn't why marriage was created eons ago) , what does that growing divorce rate (near 60% in some states) also say?
And marriage IS an institution, meaning it is part of an established, old old system, and what it protects and upholds is out of sync with the lives being lived these days.
Bonnie wrote:
" Our married friends say you can make a wedding --and a marriage--what you want, but that is not true. It's a specific institution with defining principles and values. If it weren't, there wouldn't be so-called marriage-protection laws in the majority of this country's states."
I would be curious to talk to Jeff. He proposed to Bonnie last year. To propose, he must have felt at that time, marriage was what he wanted. Or what he thought was the natural next step to take a relationship farther, deepen it? Maybe he hadn't thought there was an option. If we don't get married, we'll break up? And having/not having children together also makes the decision to marry or not marry a different kind of one.
Many I interviewed for Why Get Married? said getting married was the only step we have as a society to say to our beloved and the outside world, "Hey, I really really love this person, and I am serious about our future together. " If this is what marriage is supposed to help us communicate to our loved one and the world these days (because that isn't why marriage was created eons ago) , what does that growing divorce rate (near 60% in some states) also say?
And marriage IS an institution, meaning it is part of an established, old old system, and what it protects and upholds is out of sync with the lives being lived these days.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
"The Invitation", a poem by Oriah
For Christmas, one of my gifts from Laurence was "The Invitation", a book by Oriah. The book is based on her original prose poem of the same name written in May 1994.
I find it comforting and filling. For some reason this is the first I've heard of it, or first I remember reading it.
At this time of year, this season of our lives, and this particular landscape of our world, I copy it here for you. A gift perhaps.
Happy 2008. May we dig deep and find ourselves and one another. Really, and truly.
" THE INVITATION by Oriah
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interst me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, wthout moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. "
(visit www.oriah.org)
I find it comforting and filling. For some reason this is the first I've heard of it, or first I remember reading it.
At this time of year, this season of our lives, and this particular landscape of our world, I copy it here for you. A gift perhaps.
Happy 2008. May we dig deep and find ourselves and one another. Really, and truly.
" THE INVITATION by Oriah
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interst me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, wthout moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. "
(visit www.oriah.org)
March 2008 screening
Woo Hoo!
And now back to our regular programming:
Why Get Married? documentary will be part of the Women and Creativity Film Festival Friday March 14 from 6-9 pm and Saturday March 15 from 11:30am-9pm in the Roy E. Disney Center for Performing Arts at the National Hispanic Cultural Center. The festival is sponsored by the Harwood Art Center and the National Hispanic Cultural Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Woo Hoo!
And now back to our regular programming:
Why Get Married? documentary will be part of the Women and Creativity Film Festival Friday March 14 from 6-9 pm and Saturday March 15 from 11:30am-9pm in the Roy E. Disney Center for Performing Arts at the National Hispanic Cultural Center. The festival is sponsored by the Harwood Art Center and the National Hispanic Cultural Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Woo Hoo!
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