Why Get Married?

Are Singles Discriminated Against?

2010-07-14T12:22:00.003-06:00

In the United States, marriage and employment offers a citizen certain rights or access to things that non-marrieds don't have. Mostly it offers cost drops in getting healthcare, tax breaks, or buying into any number of group plans be it memberships to a Box Store, or car insurance. Now generally things have relaxed a bit, and a household at the same address get those perks if you will. Which I guess perks are different than right and privileges. Withholding or granting rights and privileges seems kind of hoity toity.

In Canada, England, France, Australia, and New Zealand for starters, being a citizen of that country entitles you to the same rights and privileges of any other citizen of that country. If you need healthcare, an ambulance, decent housing, work or child care, as a citizen you have the same right and access to those services as a single, married, divorced, employed or unemployed. It doesn't matter. You are a citizen. Citizenship is the criterion.

In the United States then, the issue gays wanting to marry have brought to the surface the question, Why is marriage an institution through which the government can deny or provide certain rights and privileges, especially to its tax paying citizens? If gays want the right to marry in order to access certain rights and privileges denied them by the government, wouldn't it follow that anyone single is also denied the same rights and privileges? Singles who don't marry are just as single as gays who want to marry and are prevented legally. We have the right and choose not to use it. Yet if all citizens had the same rights as citizens, marriage could be for love, family, children, not economics, pensions, healthcare etc.

So is being single a discriminated position to have in America, in terms of not having the same rights and privileges as anyone else?

If all American citizens were given the same rights and privileges across the board that are currently denied some, then we'd need less paperwork, bureaucracy and yes, expense. Government workers wouldn't have to look for all the ways you might not qualify for something, but rather how you could. Oh, you're a citizen? Great, here you go. Oh you are married? Not Married? Single? Gay? Oh heck, it doesn't matter. Your marital status doesn't allow you more access or less access. It's all good.

Most of my straight friends never married. Many of them are Canadian, so they have health coverage, pensions, everything their married friends have. And if anyone gets divorced, you still keep your own health care, pension etc. Things don't get lost or reassigned in marriage or divorce from you as a citizen. How could it? You are still a citizen. And it is attached to your social security number. That relationship stays steady whereas the others may not be. My single American friends don't talk much about the legal rights and privileges they don't get because they haven't married. We saw unhappy marriages, so often getting into marriage doesn't appeal, so we feel, hey, maybe I have more personal rights not being married? At least under my own roof.

Yet to fight for the right to marry for anyone who wants to marry, it is important. Yet to me, the bigger issue is really that every individual in America who is a citizen of this country deserves the same rights and privileges as any other citizen. Single or married we pay taxes to help in the shared things we each need to keep this country running and healthy. Many of us pay taxes and provide support for things such as our public schools which we may never need directly. Yet single taxpayers for example, gay or straight, help pay these costs. We do that for the higher good. Instead, should we be asking that some of our tax contribution be redirected towards services we can gain access, like good healthcare coverage, pensions, etc.? Mmmmm a thought.

Discrimination by denying rights and privileges based on a person's marital status or employment is not a friendly practice. Or culture. We are all citizens. We each deserve what one another deserves.

What's it all about?

2008-10-21T14:19:00.002-06:00

Ok, I have left my post. I stopped even checking here, so distracted by attending to life, the now, real moments. And sometimes words, or my observations or these kind of notes cannot reflect what is "composting".
And all of this is not so much about marriage, but how and why and the quality of the relationships we each choose to create with one another.
This past week I attended an "International Women's Film Festival" and I saw about 40 of the 80 films (lots were short films) programmed. The way people and relationships portrayed on screen were mostly sad or dark or painful,in my mind. Where is the joy and spirit of coupledom? or acceptance? or real love? Mr Jones, a short documentary about a well known actor/writer had the most balance to me of life with its ups and downs. I appreciated that. And one other that had a sense of humor and depth, as exhibited by writer Lois Brown. But the rest of it seemed dark, dark, dark. I am sure we can find ways to tell good stories with a balance of the dark and the light. It just seems that the light is not in evidence much, be it TV or film festivals.
And my interest is in how we are with one another in relationships? Are we humane? Caring? Kind? I guess that is always my quest around Why Get Married? Or why be in relationship if we feel more darkness than light?

Why Matters

2008-08-08T10:49:00.002-06:00

I am pondering why a lot these days. Why get married was my first big question that wouldn't let go and took about 4 years from idea to finished dvd. I still have more questions about why get married, why we seek relationships yet seem to have trouble finding joy within them. Why do we think we are supposed to feel joy if we are? Why do some people plan what they are looking for in a person or relationship, some people "fall" into it, and regardless of how, each seem to have an equal chance of having happiness. Some try to be isolationists, figuring being in relationship is too hard, too exhausting, and has no joy for them. Why is that?
Some find joy in solitude and not in relationship. Some create solitude within their relationships so that they can feel joy.
I bought a microphone for my ipod and plan to interview people for podcasts, asking Why why why. And not just about relationships, but other issues that they feel passionate, want to share and answer a Why question.
Why you ask?
Because I seem compelled.

The Wedding Machine

2008-05-07T21:42:00.002-06:00

I am working on a short narrative script about a twenty-something couple planning to get married. In scene one they agree to get married and the rest of the story is their journey through "the wedding machine". My writing partner and I are having fun figuring this out from our different life perspectives.
Jim is a father of 3 grown kids in their 20's and 30's who aren't in sustaining relationships and talk to him about those concerns. I come at it from my non-conventional life and am curious how differently young people now can approach weddings and marriage. There is far more choice, and room, and acceptance to mold it all the way you want. Hip hip hooray.
It is fun to write a story that is based on all that I have learned through my research in documentaries on this subject. All I have ever wanted is to reach people on the topic of love, romance and long-term relationships. Telling a story is a new way for me to experiment with it, and it has some freedom and fun I must say.
These 2 characters, Lily and Josh, are becoming real to me. They have likes and dislikes, mannerisms, humor, smarts, and skills in the game industry I am having to learn about. Lily has a mother who I am writing with a traditional view of weddings ( that could change. I am toying with my authoring options) and there is stress on this young couple. Stress they hadn't imagined when they decided they loved each other and wanted to marry. So we are trying to show that, how stress builds, and a couple can be pulled in different directions when they don't want to go in any direction but together.
I am enjoying this creative process, and our deadline is next week, so I best get back to Lily and Josh.
Ta ta for now.

Empty seats at a free screening are sad sad sad.

2008-03-17T17:58:00.009-06:00

I was sad to see so few showed up for a free night of films. Is it that in NM people just don't attend free film events? Or that our film line-ups didn't interest people? Or we aren't good at getting the word out when we have free film events? Or that low turn- out for free film events happens in every state no matter what? Or that my expectation of healthy attendance is unrealistic?

I was looking forward to the 6:00 pm-9:30pm screening of several shorts and features Friday night, films produced by women. The evening was sponsored by several state/city funded art organizations. Why Get Married? was one of the longer films in the night's line-up, a Festival celebrating Women. (March is the month for that don't you know?)

Once my documentary screened, many shadowed figures left the theater. When I realized the lights weren't coming on between films, and so many had left, I went out to the lobby in case folks had questions. I needed to get to talk with a members of the audience who might have comments. I made the film for that very reason, to be part of a conversation about Why Get Married? I did have some nice exchanges with several who were happy to see and talk to me. I'm glad I did because by the night's end, many who'd seen Why Get Married? had left due to rumbling stomachs.

It was heartening for me to see how good my documentary looked on this big beautiful screen, and how well it flowed. I haven't seen it in over a year, and one can be critical of one's own work. I sat with my good friend Margaret, visiting from Nova Scotia. Her plane left early the next morning, yet she wanted to spend the evening with me at our state- of- the- art cultural center. There was a Q and A period at 9pm with the filmmakers. She wanted to see what that was like. There were 3 of us left by the end of the evening, facing about 20 people, most associated with the festival in some way or another.

I was sad that a free evening of film, sponsored by over 20 film/art organizations in the city/state were unable to help the filmmakers fill the seats. I am not sure what that means exactly. Too many variables to process I suppose, but marketing with personal outreach seems key key key to getting butts in the seats. Those marketing events need to personally invite specific people to come to these events. We all respond to personal contact as it feels as though our presence matters. Large email blasts, beautiful printed programs or generic posts alone won't do it. I did my best. Maybe my outreach efforts got 20% of the audience that flowed in/out that night.

It was an interesting and diverse film line-up in a swank theater. It was also a great opportunity and venue to have lively energy for the film festival. An audience creates the energy and is important to filmmakers naturally. Without enough people in a theater a screening feels entirely different, like there are energy leaks coming from all the empty seats.

So back to my original question, do free film events equal low turn-out just because they are "free"? Or did we not make enough effort to fill the seats, to make it a packed house, that would create buzz, goodwill and energy to build on for the next event?

My guess is an intermission and some good finger food would help attract and keep an audience for such an event. And fill the theater with great energy.

Love versus Marriage?

2008-01-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

Bonnie Eslinger wrote an interesting essay printed in the January 14, 2008 issue of Newsweek, called "Yes to Love, No to Marriage". Although he asked her, Bonnie said no to marrying Jeff, her beloved of 3 years. She loves him, is committed and together they have bought a house, and are planning their life together. Bonnie doesn't want the institution of marriage. Maybe it will get in the way of the committed love relationship she is creating with Jeff?

Bonnie wrote:
" Our married friends say you can make a wedding --and a marriage--what you want, but that is not true. It's a specific institution with defining principles and values. If it weren't, there wouldn't be so-called marriage-protection laws in the majority of this country's states."

I would be curious to talk to Jeff. He proposed to Bonnie last year. To propose, he must have felt at that time, marriage was what he wanted. Or what he thought was the natural next step to take a relationship farther, deepen it? Maybe he hadn't thought there was an option. If we don't get married, we'll break up? And having/not having children together also makes the decision to marry or not marry a different kind of one.

Many I interviewed for Why Get Married? said getting married was the only step we have as a society to say to our beloved and the outside world, "Hey, I really really love this person, and I am serious about our future together. " If this is what marriage is supposed to help us communicate to our loved one and the world these days (because that isn't why marriage was created eons ago) , what does that growing divorce rate (near 60% in some states) also say?

And marriage IS an institution, meaning it is part of an established, old old system, and what it protects and upholds is out of sync with the lives being lived these days.

"The Invitation", a poem by Oriah

2007-12-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

For Christmas, one of my gifts from Laurence was "The Invitation", a book by Oriah. The book is based on her original prose poem of the same name written in May 1994.

I find it comforting and filling. For some reason this is the first I've heard of it, or first I remember reading it.

At this time of year, this season of our lives, and this particular landscape of our world, I copy it here for you. A gift perhaps.

Happy 2008. May we dig deep and find ourselves and one another. Really, and truly.

" THE INVITATION by Oriah

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interst me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, wthout moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. "

(visit www.oriah.org)

March 2008 screening

2007-12-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo!

And now back to our regular programming:

Why Get Married? documentary will be part of the Women and Creativity Film Festival Friday March 14 from 6-9 pm and Saturday March 15 from 11:30am-9pm in the Roy E. Disney Center for Performing Arts at the National Hispanic Cultural Center. The festival is sponsored by the Harwood Art Center and the National Hispanic Cultural Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Woo Hoo!

Why No Kids?

2007-12-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

I have wondered about this for years. There are many forty and fifty somethings, men and women, who have never had children. Whether the men and women remained single, or got married, a growing percentage of men and women in the English-speaking world are not parents.

As I was drinking tea yesterday I started listing people I know who are not parents, including myself, my partner Laurence, and even my former husband. I came up with over 20 names in my social circle within a few minutes. In the 1950's I don't think you could come up with more than 2 or 3 names, and then everyone had a hushed reason why that person was "childless". I can think of 2 women of my mother's era who weren't married and no children. It was a social oddity. Both women worked (and did so until they retired) which also made them different in the 1950's. My Godfather, Uncle Bert never married, yet that seemed more acceptable than the "spinster". He was a popular companion and escort for many, seemingly asexual, and he always seemed content to me from my perspective as a child. He might have been gay, and not acting on any desires, I don't know. (yet also, no one asked directly, so I never really knew any of their stories.)

And childless couples in the 1950's, 60's, 70's, and even the 80's? were pitied because we all assumed they wanted children yet couldn't have them. As one golden anniversary couple said in my Why Get Married? documentary, they "were amazed that anyone would bother marrying if they didn't want children. And that having children and grandchildren gave you something to talk about in your old age. "

I don't imagine being hard up for things to discuss in my relationship or friendships, but I do wonder how our world will be different as we age and there are fewer in this next generation. And why are the number choosing to not have children growing amongst certain populations? Ah, a topic to research.

Miss Me?

2007-11-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

Time got away from me, as did this blog.

A couple of days ago, I got a posting on this blog from one of the "experts" who appeared in my Why Get Married? documentary. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in a couple of years. Elizabeth is a professor at Memorial University in St. John's Newfoundland. I had interviewed her the summer of 2004, to talk to me about some of the differences between marriage and beliefs about marriage in Canada and the USA. I really liked one of her lines when she spoke of non-western fairytale endings being, "and they lived as happily as could be expected."

So I was happy to hear from her. Elizabeth emailed me that her cousin who lives in New Zealand said she'd seen Elizabeth on TV. Elizabeth was a bit confused as few were aware Why Get Married? is airing a couple of times this year in NZ. What a small world when word of mouth goes across so many miles. And she got in touch with me via the blog of all things.

I was encouraged when Elizabeth got in touch and I heard her story. Honestly, I have fallen down on the distribution/marketinig end having gotten consumed by some other projects. Yikes. So it is nice to know folks are still watching it because the topic is of interest. As I sit here typing though, I figure my next one should be "Why Get Hot Flashes?" THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY this week. Uugh!

Marriage? A Life Sentence?

2007-09-06T15:01:00.000-06:00

Today I went on a walk with my friend Laura, a mother and grandmother, married for over 40 years. Laura is modern, with it, and energetic. She and I may be a decade or more apart in age, yet I find our feelings on many things a good fit. Thus a nice friendship.
So on this walk we are catching up, as I have been logging over 8000 miles on my recent trip with Laurence. Now I need to reconnect with my community here. So Laura and I walk along the road to a local breakfast place, and talk of all matters on our minds and hearts.

Sometimes I expect that couples who have caring, respectful marriages that are 40 years long and still going strong have a negative reaction to those of us who are divorced. Sort of the idea of "If I can do it , then you can too." One of Laura's daughter's is divorced from their grandchild's father. I asked about that. Laura's comment was "marriage should not be a life sentence. No one should stay in a marriage just to stay in. It shouldn't be awful. And if it is, get out."

My own parents were divorced a few months after my birth. My mother did not remarry. I never saw a couple together close-up, yet I figured, and the statistics say, if your parents stayed together you have a better chance of it. Yet I think those stats must be skewed or creative statistic reading. I see no evidence that if your parents stayed together, that your marriage will stay together. Or vice versa. And what about when one partner is from divorced parents and the other from lifetime marrieds?

I guess what comes up is a quality of life issue within the marriage. One definition of a successful marriage for me would be when a couple have shared a life time together, and enjoyed themselves the majority of the time. It is not successful if a couple spend their life together and it feels like a life sentence.

From Connecticut

2007-08-25T09:05:00.000-06:00

I am in Connecticut, always interested in people's stories about marriage. Last night I met 2 sisters, in their early twenties. C, 26. got married in November and is pregnant expecting their first child around Christmas. Her sister K is engaged to her high school sweetheart at 24, reading through the bridal tips and wedding planning guides, especially on ways to save money on the wedding. Their confidence in their ability to find the right mate, and be better at relationship than their parents (divorced) seems common among the twenty somethings. As is the positive view of marriage, commitment, family.

At twenty, and even thirty getting married to me felt like all my life options would close up, rather than opening up. Yet there is a grounding component to having children, as your priorities and focus become very clear and focused, like what is good for your children, their life, their needs, schooling etc. .

Anyway, my Connecticut host is getting ready to take us on a tour of this area, so I'll sign off.

Single Mothering

2007-08-18T14:30:00.000-06:00

I interviewed Laney (51) and Krista (44), while I was in Newfoundland as their point of view on marriage and relationship interested me. I hadn't yet talked to women who had decided they did not want to be wives, but did want to be mothers.

Newfoundland has a traditional, strong family culture. As a single woman, to "buck the system" in the 1980's like Laney did, and choose motherhood but not marriage had its' tough times, lack of support, former friends giving her wide berth, and family not understanding her choice. And Laney is a nurturing, caretaking person, and very committed to her responsibilities. I figured that would be the very type who'd be good at marriage. Yet she said, what she'd viewed of marriage as a young child (the youngest girl in a family of 10 kids) growing up was that the women did all the cleaning, food production, chores etc. and looking after everyone with the men in her community expecting it. It felt endless and thankless. Laney saw it as work with no freedom. At 11 she decided she wouldn't marry and said this aloud. Her mother was outraged.

After hearing more of Laney's story and Krista's(soon to be podcast on www.whygetmarried.com) I marvelled at the choice they made. Both these women were pioneers of sorts. As hard as being a single mother can be, they realized they would rather be single mothers, than married mothers. And they chose their primary focus to be with their child, rather than a spouse.

For me the story I am looking at is that of why get married. These 2 women chose not to, although Krista said she isn't opposed to getting married. It just hasn't happened yet. Laney has a loving man in her life, but thinks for her, separate addresses will always work best.

Just arrived in St. John's, Newfoundland

2007-07-28T13:01:00.001-06:00

I must be nuts. We are driving across the United States and Canada in the heat of the humid, humid summer. We (Laurence and I) left our home in New Mexico about 2 weeks ago and are now about 4000 miles north and east away. Yikes!

We stopped in Okalahoma City (we always visit the memorial site which is moving, peaceful and respectful.); Terre Haute, Illinois; Medina, OH; and Niagra Falls before spending 4 days in Toronto, Ontario with two of my university chums.(Note to my Ontario buddies: I am sad that due to the rush I wasn't able to connect you. Next time for sure.)

We managed to leave Why Get Married postcards in every place we stopped from Albuquerque to St. John's, be it for coffee, gasoline fill-ups, or the night. We have even taken photos of the postcards in their various leaning positions on tables, in windows, even in card racks. Subversive? I don't know. Just trying to get the message out while I travel as you never know who might right now be thinking, Why Get Married? then "oh wow" look, someone has already been asking this question.

After leaving Toronto, we spent our first night in Quebec City, a delightful place particularly historic Vieux Quebec. It has been over a decade since I have been back to explore so it was nice to walk along the cobblestone roads, and eat in one of their many sidewalk cafes. A romantic city, so I'm not sure how the WGM postcards will be received. Although I was told the numbers of Quebec couples choosing to live together/have children rather than marrying is higher than in other provinces That surprised me. I had imagined the strong catholic background of Quebecois would have couples choose the tradition of marriage.

So after a 6 hour ferry ride from Nova Scotia to Newfoundland we are now at my Mom's, our final distination. We will stay put for a few weeks. And having just arrived, we now have laundry to do, need to catch our breath, and begin scheming new WGM projects with some of our producer friends on this island of Newfoundland.

On the Road

2007-07-08T13:44:00.000-06:00

I am going on a road trip. A long road trip. Covering 8,000 miles in about 6 weeks. I plan to talk to people along the way about...you guessed it, Why Get Married? We (my partner Laurence and I) will drive to Toronto first, then head east through Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, then north to Cape Breton and take the ferry to Newfoundland. It is an opportunity for me to reconnect with university buddies, the landscape, and family while working on projects I care about.

I am hoping to have a good interviewing set-up, at least for radio/podcast broadcasts, so I can capture some diverse opinions, experience and points of view across 8,000 miles of the USA and Canada. And these talks will help me get more current with latest trends, attitudes and practices about why get married.

I bumped into Theresa last week at an Albuquerque bookstore . She and her girlfriend are headed to Quebec CIty in August to be legally married. They had had a ceremony 10 years ago, and this will be on that anniversary. Even though this marriage won't be recognized where they live, it is important for them to have it and honor their commitment. It is worth flying 2000 miles and into another country to be in an environment that recognizes them as a married, committed couple.

Personally I have no desire or need to be married at this time. I do support others who want to marry. I support marriage being a choice available for any loving, committed couple.

For me the overarching issue is: All USA citizens deserve to be treated equally, receiving the same rights and privileges as one another regardless of marital status or employment. Then to marry or not to marry might become an entirely different conversation, impetus and practice for some.

So many stories, so little time.

2007-06-27T13:11:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how much interest I have in people's stories, particularly as it relates to their life choices and relationships. Now I am looking at "what is a successful life",( and who knows what that is anyway) versus a successful marriage say. But forever we are told a successful and even "trustworthy" adult is a married adult. Single, divorced, just isn't presented as the same, as somehow they aren't really a true participant of a real life. Or as one of my guests said, "there must be something wrong with a person not married."

Many parents say that having children forced them out of their narcissism. That before kids, their life was all about them. Then as a parent, the life focus changes to the child. That seems to imply that not having children can be a selfish act. Maybe for some that is true, but then far better they not be parents. And for some, having children could swallow some non-narcissistic types alive. Rather than needing to learn to put others first, they need to put themselves at least in the equation. An interesting balance for sure.

I am drafting titles for upcoming WGM half hour talk shows, to be available through podcasting. I begin a long road trip, from New Mexico to Newfoundland, and along the way I want to talk to people from all walks of life. I still have some audio equipment to get that is due to be released on the market in a few weeks...I hope. So many aspects to this business of making media, the creative, the business and the technical. I await on the technical right now.

A recent email got me thinking.

2007-06-13T17:49:00.000-06:00

I got the following email today from an acquaintance who saw an interview with me, and clips from Why Get Married? airing locally in Albuquerque.

"Hey Ms. Stirling!
Very happy and surprised to tune in to channel 27 and find two of the greatest doing a captivating, realistic of times, important presentation, that truly brought paramount understanding of this institution in this day and age.
It just so happened that I had escaped to the den after a spat occurred between my spouse and myself to run into your show!
Thanks for all You do !"

When I worked on this documentary, beginning with the germ of an idea in 2001, I kept learning and distilling down the important topics and issues that interested me, but that I also felt were universal. They would touch anyone who had thought about marriage, in one way or another.

Now in 2007, recent statistics someone spouted at me were that 75% of the couples marrying this year will be divorced within the next 5 years. WOW. As my Mom says, quote your source. Well I don't know where my friend got that percentage, but I intend to investigate.
What does a 75% divorce rate, or 90% mean to us in the western world? Are we going to hell in a hand basket? Is the institution of marriage and government slow slow slow to catch up with what the population has been choosing for themselves these past many decades?

I find so many aspects of marriage fascinating because we have U.S. leadership saying it is grand, yet the evidence says no. And to not marry, does not mean we don't have committed, loving primary relationships, or well loved children. It just means the institution of marriage, the contract, the "rights, the privileges" that are to go along with it in the U.S. are outmoded. And people are voting with their feet, it would seem.

The Starter Wife

2007-06-05T19:05:00.000-06:00

I just read a promotion for a cable series called The Starter Wife starring Debra Messing. A great leggy picture of her, seated on a stack of expensive luggage. (I'll have to ruminate a bit to figure out what that means marketing-wise.)
Anyhow, a few years back there was a book called Starter Marriage. The author's definition of a starter marriage if memory serves, meant when twenty somethings have a marriage that lasts less than 5 years, usually 2-3 years, and had no children. Kind of like a "starter home", that small "fixer upper" you can afford, that jump starts you into your first home ownership experience, until you find the home, or spouse, of your dreams I suppose.

Starter marriages? Really? Well I guess if Network Television can make finding a husband or a wife a reality show, and keep doing it season after season, it must be lucrative entertainment. Or produce a show that pays a couple for their dream wedding if the couple allows their wedding and preparation to be televised to America. One show required the bride and groom to agree to play scams/jokes on their loved ones and guests to add drama to their wedding, all for primetime television.

I'd be curious if TV viewers, especially our teens, think of marriage more as an entertaining gameshow than a "sacred" institution, or spiritual partnership. Is marriage less important to people now, less of a deal to get right the first time, or any time? Perhaps finding a mate is thought of by many young people now as a well produced reality show with a stretch limo, fantasy dates, and a competition for the last rose? Starter wife would then make a lot of sense in this kind of expectation. Or do we each get our sense of mate and marital values/beliefs from our family and those around us, and not TV? I wonder.

How much do these kind of reality shows impact our idea and expectations about weddings, marriages and, yes, even being single?

I'm Back.

2007-06-04T17:44:00.000-06:00

Where have I been you might wonder. Well I didn't die, I just got busy with other production projects and this blog got away from me.
I also was a candidate in our legislative election last November. As part of that I started a campaign blog, so that took up all my blog energy it would seem.

Now I am resurfacing, especially as I keep getting interest in this documentary from individuals, distributors and documentary channels. The question why get married? is a good one, so it gets people thinking and talking just seeing the title.

My passion continues on this question. I am now working on ten half-hour script ideas, that will work for podcasting. Plus another filmmaker, Liz, is interested to do a film, with the working title of "Old Maids". I'd like to work with her on it as I like how she thinks and some of the visuals she has described to me already. Fun!
I too have been fascinated for years by the number of women who are unmarried, and in their 40's and 50's. Many in this group did not have children. How will these facts affect our country in time? I would love to travel across North America and talk to unmarried women and hear their stories. We don't often hear the unmarried story, certainly not with a positive light, more the "old maid" one Liz is thinking about.

Any "old maids" reading this? I am interested in the myths or stigmas facing women who are not married and in their 40's, 50's in the English speaking world and beyond. What do people least understand about being single and in one's 40's + do you think?

November 15, 2005

2005-11-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well I have been remiss in blogging regularly. I think I just have been stymied about ways to get this documentary more widely screened, plus trying to get interest moving for the organization I founded, Friends of Film, Video and Arts Foundation, a National Heritage Foundation. Spearheading so much at this time may have just tired me. Plus the bizaree politics around me are draining too most days. It can be like fighting a fog.

Everything creative, new or innovative takes so much energy, and sometimes I just run out of it, which seems to have happened this past month or so. I thought my weeks in Canada would provide me a break from thinking, scheming and planning how to make things happen in the documentary/film world, but quite honestly, I did not get recharged the way I had hoped.

Sometimes I just wish I had a clear trade or profession, like being a plumber or a dentist. Then what I had to do each day would be obvious and fairly straightforward. But in independent filmmaking, it seems the ground shifts everyday. Right now the biggest shifting seems around marketing and distribution. There are some fine models being explored like how Robert Greenwald is distributing his documentary "Wal-Mart, the high cost of low price". I'll be hosting one of the over 7000 community screenings across the country this week. I think that is a great way to release one's work, and get the excitement and buzz going. And as a filmmaker, one is in charge of the distribution, in getting others on board, rather than waiting for a large distributor or cinema chain to say yea or nay. It seems the larger, business as usual models aren't in touch with what the viewer wants or needs. And either the system in place adapts or it becomes passe and is replaced by something that fits the here and now.

Funny how just the name of my documentary Why Get Married? is now starting to get me in touch with people I know from my past. Just a few days ago I got an email from a University friend I haven't seen since the late 70's. She'd been doing an internet search for a project she's writing, and found my website. The internet can make the world a more accessible place certainly. That call was a bright spot in my day for sure.

Santa Fe, New Mexico Premiere of Why Get Married?

2005-09-08T17:35:00.000-06:00

September 6 Screening in Santa Fe

I am learning that each audience and each audience's reaction to this documentary is VERY different, and yet equally dynamic. After the Q and A of this screening, I did feel a bit churned up. Certainly the personal nature of some of the questions can be challenging, and I guess, for some reason that night I wasn't totally ready. The discussion was lively, and many long-time single women approached me to say seeing this documentary offered them comfort and some real "gems" to ponder. I guess we never know how our work will affect another.

The following day of the screening, I received this email:

"I was there last night and utterly enjoyed your film. RE: questions and answers section, I want to tell you how much I admired your courage and honesty in being both humorous, forthright about the deep waters of the personal aspect of the film for you, and not defensive about feedback. I do think you looked a little uncomfortable in your shots and that's okay. Some of your buddies seemed to leap to your defense when someone mentioned you looked uncomfortable. So what? the glory of being human is to reveal all facets. Good for you!!! I wish you all success.
Linda "

I have never considered myself courageous in wrestling with this title and project, yet I appreciate her words A LOT and am considering them. It just seemed important to explore this question.
And I WAS uncomfortable in my on-camera interview. Yet we used most of the shots for the voice over in which I speak of the pain of divorce, both my own and my parents. For me, that is painful. I figured my lack of comfort was candid, real and maybe even uncomfortable to watch. For me, it is fitting based on how divorce has felt to me. But it isn't a usual visual to choose I know.
I was resistant to being in this documentary, hoping I'd be able to have the story follow someone else. Yet as the edit deadline approached, it became clear I needed to insert myself as a way to help the 30 conversations hang together. Actually the number of times I tried not to carry on with this project after one set back or another, somehow it always came to the forefront again, begging to be finished.

And it isn't finished. This is just the beginning, as many audience members keep saying. My part of the Why Get Married? question feels finished for me. BUT there are a million voices and stories to hear, all around the world. And those are conversations I really want to have.

Churning with Ideas

2005-08-10T11:34:00.000-06:00

August 10, 2005 Wednesday

The reality is that I have a lot of support and people interested in the "to be or not to be" married question. I just have to give people a structure so that they CAN help me, like participate in an ipod interview, host a gathering of potential sponsors, or donate us a good working DV/HD camera. Angels would be nice too.

It appears an independent producer must have at least 4 projects moving at once. One is in development, and one in each stage of production, just so that when there is down time you move to the next, back and forth, and something is always being developed and something always being marketed and distributed. I look forward to the day I am not responsible for all phases of every project yet at this stage it is the only way.

August 9 , 2005 Tuesday

I keep spinning in circles. It seems I have so much I want to see happen for Why Get Married? from more documentaries, to a TV Series, and even traveling community screenings as part of Q and A sessions, music, food, even some improv led by talented director friends. None of these ideas are exclusive of one another. My brain just gets tired sometimes thinking through all the steps required, including the business and administration side.

BUT today feels more lively and inspiring. I have had some good chats with other filmmakers and producers in Albuquerque this past week. I am feeling more encouraged, both about fundraising efforts and broadcast possibilities. Still more scheming required and figuring out, but it is nice to feel buoyed by more hope than usual.

My First Review!!

2005-07-07T12:26:00.000-06:00

July 7, 2005

My first review for the documentary appeared today. How exciting. I went onto local writer Gene Grant's blog today and finally there was his review of Why Get Married? Naturally when Gene announced he was going to watch and review each short and feature that was part of the 40 hours worth of flicks of NM Filmmakers Week I figured there'd be some lag time between viewing and review. And now, here it is. (See Links for more information.)

“Why Get Married?” Come to Think of It…
Review by Gene Grant, Writer/Film guy/sometime producer

..why the hell DO we get married?! That’s the strength of this doc by Anne Stirling. It’s a wicked forehead slap. What the heck is our problem?

Backing up a second. I may have called some previous film the best attended of the week. I’d like to rescind that because THIS film was easily the best attended. There was a line down the street for Christ Sake, and the place was packed inside, including many of the doc participating couples/singles interviewed.

The many and complicated layers to this question was explored wonderfully through a series of interviews here in New Mexico and in Newfoundland, Stirling's place of birth. If there’s any commonality in this world, it’s pain. You really couldn’t tell much of a difference between the Newfies and us on what makes this whole thing so mysterious and difficult. I liked seeing that.

I think Stirling is on to something here. I’d dearly like to see KNME screen this, with a panel/audience (call in?) discussion of some sort following. This was really thought provoking. The best part for her is it has legs. She could dig into many little layers here forever.

Good way to end the night. And so goes Tuesday's screenings.

Successful First Screening! Albuquerque, NM

2005-06-29T14:25:00.000-06:00

June 29, 2005

Last night was the first public screening of Why Get Married? I feel energized. The audience laughed in places I hadn't imagined would be funny yet it was great to hear. I guess you just can't always tell while you're editing what others will find funny. The Guild theatre in downtown Albuquerque seats 140 and it felt packed. A large audience changes how a film feels when viewing it. It was great.

I was nervous beforehand. I wasn't sure I was even going to attend. Although I am now used to seeing myself on the screen and sharing some of my marriage story, it still exposes one to public opinion. To people who don't know you, don't have to care about your story or how you feel, that is a personal risk.

But it seemed to me that the theme of Why Get Married? is universal, and no matter how I touched on this subject it also allows the viewers to connect with their own story, issues or concerns around marriage. And that is all I have wanted all along... for people to begin asking themselves Why Get Married? no matter the answer. Ruminate on the question to find your own answer.

I was warmed as I sat at the back of the dark theatre and heard people chuckle, and also the quiet of their listening. And the clapping. And the energy.

I am always touched when those interviewed in-front-of-the camera come to watch it again and bring their friends. That seems the biggest tribute of all really. As a documentarian it is important that I tell a story as true as I know how, and that I have been worthy of the trust bestowed on me. I don't see my point of view or my perspective as being THE only or the right one but I come to my own point of view when others share theirs with me. So my films will always be about that I imagine... listening to multiple points of views as I figure out my own.

Even though we finished the documentary in January and have been submitting it to film festivals in Canada and the USA, last night felt like the real "birth" of the documentary for me. Or maybe the public recognition that the baby is alive, well and ready to walk.

Independent Bride ++

2005-06-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

June 8, 2005

I continued questioning myself and my discontent within my marriage, and what it was to be "wife" even after my divorce, looking for some solace. I found Susan Maushart's book "Wifework". It was illuminating for me. Finally I had words and context for what I had been experiencing. It was the first bit of peace I had felt during my quest to understand why I was so unhappy as a married woman. I had married a nice and good man. I was nice and good. Why didn't I feel like we had a nice and good marriage?

Once I decided to produce a documentary on Why Get Married? I found this Indie Bride site. I was surprised yet encouraged that such a site existed, for brides-to-be to contemplate the "real" deal, rather than the white fantasy. I was delighted to also discover an interview with author Maushart's on this site for brides- to -be. How great is that?
http://www.indiebride.com/interviews/maushart/

Quite honestly, I am not sure if I had read a book like Maushart's before deciding to marry if it would have helped me realize I was not the type who would flourish inside of marriage. I don't know. I certainly do believe we each learn a lot of good stuff when we are in a long-term, healthy relationship. I have come to realize it still is important for me to experience a healthy,caring, long-term relationship. I just doubt marriage will be part of the structure.

I imagine for many women who have financial independence the interest in a relationship for them is less about property, security, status, having children or even legal issues. Primarily they just want decent companionship and emotional connection with their mate.

My husband-to-be and I did talk about what we expected and wanted within and from the marriage. Since our early months of dating, we had talked of "co-creating" a relationship together that would meet our respective needs yet may not resemble any relationship we had had before, or perhaps even seen. Yet somewhere between walking up the aisle and walking back down the aisle, it seemed marital assumptions kicked in. Things like "this is what a wife or a husband does", or the outside world started pushing in their assumptions and decrees upon us.

Being raised by a single Mom, I am not aware of having had traditional views about marriage, what it should "look" like and the gender roles to be played. I just saw it as a deeper commitment, and a way to build more emotional closeness. Yet for me, the "institution" of marriage seemed to put our previously good relationship at odds. Weird, as we were both in our early 40's and statistically speaking, late marriages are supposed to have a higher rate of success, meaning lasting a lifetime.

So based on the statistics, assumptions and societal mixed messages I was receiving, I started a quest to uncover the answer to Why Get Married? I am still questing.

MUSINGS

2005-06-02T08:26:00.000-06:00

June 1, 2005 Wednesday

I am becoming more and more intrigued with the same sex couple point of view to Why Get Married? In the United States there is a huge fight over whether two consenting adults have the right to marry, or whether marriage is to be defined as between a man and a woman. In Canada, marriage has been broadened in understanding and gays marry legally if they choose.

In both Canada and the U.S. divorce rates are rising. In some parts of the states it is almost 60%. I can't see how how a rising divorce rate says heterosexual marriages are succeeding. Something is changing.

Our culture is changing for sure, and the structure of marriage, the institution of marriage is slow to catch up. We still are "sold" or have unrealistic ideas and fantasies about marriage, relationship and happiness. I found that confusing.

The reality shows about bachelors, bachelorettes and weddings scare me. What does that tell our 18 year olds about marriage and relationship? That it is a game show? Probably.

Funny, now that women have more choices and freedoms than say in the 1960's, more are choosing to not marry, even if they choose to be in a long-term relationship or have children. Many say they don't want to be a "wife". Does "husband" have the same stigma I wonder?

Regarding choosing a fulfilling life, I guess each of us must "pioneer" what makes sense for ourselves individually, or as part of a couple. If someone wants to marry his/her beloved it should be a choice he/she has whether they exercise it or not .

June 2, 2005 Thursday

What is a successful marriage? Is it one that lasts until death (natural causes of course) do us part? Is it a success if it is mostly happy and when it ends it is amicable? Are we expecting too much from our spouse? Are we realistic in our expectations of marriage?

Maybe marriage is just something some of us choose in our life, some don't, some stay with one partner for 50 years, some have 7 marriages, and marriage means something different to each person in it. There is no universal, understood definition. It would be like saying there is one kind of politician, or lawyer, or pope, or way to run an organization. (Well we could say it, but it wouldn't be accurate.)

For some, marriage seems to be a committed, sacred practice. For others it is something to do in Las Vegas at 2a.m. for a lark. For some marriage is all about having a family. For others marriage represents a way to commit deeply to another person. And some already in love and committed only marry for the pension and other benefits. Not romantic but practical I suppose.

I guess I am just trying to look at what works about marriage versus creating a healthy relationship outside of it. What benefits can 2 partners have emotionally inside a marriage that they wouldn't be able to replicate outside of marriage? And vice versa?

Oh, I do have lots of questions which is why more Why Get Married? documentaries are in the works. I have so much curiousity about relationships and choices we make.

WHY GET MARRIED? Let's talk.

2005-05-25T18:14:00.000-06:00

FIRST ENTRY

May 24, 2005

I just found out that Why Get Married?, my first documentary, will be part of New Mexico Filmmakers Week at The Guild Theatre in downtown Albuquerque the last week of June. Yippee! Half of the doc was shot in Albuquerque so it is fun that more folks will get to see it, and maybe they'll recognize someone in it.

I have no idea of how it will be received or if it will take on a life of its' own. It is the weirdest process to "birth" a film. I guess it is different for every filmmaker. Laurence Z., the editor, and I worked tirelessly from mid-November to mid-January, in order to meet a Toronto Documentary Film Festival deadline in early 2005. And we completed it in time.

Sadly we didn't get accepted into the main festival but the documentary was part of a sidebar event called Doc Shop, along with 1,200 other productions, all listed in a catalogue for interested viewers to mosey through. I guess the title, Why Get Married? gets attention, so there has been some interest from distributors already. So we shall see where that leads.

I just want folks to see the documentary and get a chance to really consider all the various points of views and experiences presented. It is such a large question, so complicated, and each marriage or relationship or choice not to be married is as unique within it as the individuals themselves.

What I really like is that this question and quest seem ongoing and intriguing to most people. When I tell folks what I do and the name of this doc, it launches a whole discussion that I often don't need to do a thing to keep moving. EVERYONE has a great story that I could imagine making into a film. The tricky part is finding the money so I can just keep making various versions of Why Get Married?, illuminating varying points of view and life experiences.

May 25, 2005

I felt very blessed in producing this documentary. As I looked for some answers and clarity following my own divorce, I got the chance to sit down with couples, experts and singles to talk on a deeper level about a topic that intrigued me. Why get married if, as was my experience, it felt so alien? In this North American culture we are sent the message that marriage or being part of a couple equals happiness, yet for me that wasn't my experience. The growing divorce rate can't be reflecting happy couples can it? So do we have the illusion it will make us happy yet that has been a myth all along?

I liked what couples counselor Mark Ganas said in the documentary. He didn't believe marriage was necessary for fulfillment. He believed successful relationship was necessary for fulfillment. He went on to say, that care of self and care of other in a balanced way is part of successful relationship. Hearing that made me feel like a heard a strong truth for me. Marriage and its structure seemed to hurt the emotional and spiritual relationship I most wanted to co-create with my husband.

I still want to experience a long-term, loving relationship with a good man, yet for me, marriage seems an interference to that end rather than a support. And yet I did talk to others for whom marriage made the relationship work better for them than they could imagine without it. What works is all so personal. And for me, I wouldn't have known what would work or not work for me had I not been married, tried so hard to make it work, and end up on this other side of confusion, hurt and the desire to better understand why get married when my experience was so painful.

I guess I am reminded that one of my original intents in making this doc was to illuminate a question that must be relevant to many men and women at this time. And I figured, if I could take the time to make it, perhaps they'd take 54 minutes to watch it. The lively conversation that inevitable after watching, unless one is brain dead, might help one to understand something they hadn't before, consider something new, or just have an "a-ha" moment. I can't imagine anyone watching it and not being affected on some level.

For me then, it makes it a fine "baby" to have delivered. I am eager to see what happens as the conversation of Why Get Married? continues. Will it be slow sparks or a bright fire over time?