June 8, 2005
I continued questioning myself and my discontent within my marriage, and what it was to be "wife" even after my divorce, looking for some solace. I found Susan Maushart's book "Wifework". It was illuminating for me. Finally I had words and context for what I had been experiencing. It was the first bit of peace I had felt during my quest to understand why I was so unhappy as a married woman. I had married a nice and good man. I was nice and good. Why didn't I feel like we had a nice and good marriage?
Once I decided to produce a documentary on Why Get Married? I found this Indie Bride site. I was surprised yet encouraged that such a site existed, for brides-to-be to contemplate the "real" deal, rather than the white fantasy. I was delighted to also discover an interview with author Maushart's on this site for brides- to -be. How great is that?
http://www.indiebride.com/interviews/maushart/
Quite honestly, I am not sure if I had read a book like Maushart's before deciding to marry if it would have helped me realize I was not the type who would flourish inside of marriage. I don't know. I certainly do believe we each learn a lot of good stuff when we are in a long-term, healthy relationship. I have come to realize it still is important for me to experience a healthy,caring, long-term relationship. I just doubt marriage will be part of the structure.
I imagine for many women who have financial independence the interest in a relationship for them is less about property, security, status, having children or even legal issues. Primarily they just want decent companionship and emotional connection with their mate.
My husband-to-be and I did talk about what we expected and wanted within and from the marriage. Since our early months of dating, we had talked of "co-creating" a relationship together that would meet our respective needs yet may not resemble any relationship we had had before, or perhaps even seen. Yet somewhere between walking up the aisle and walking back down the aisle, it seemed marital assumptions kicked in. Things like "this is what a wife or a husband does", or the outside world started pushing in their assumptions and decrees upon us.
Being raised by a single Mom, I am not aware of having had traditional views about marriage, what it should "look" like and the gender roles to be played. I just saw it as a deeper commitment, and a way to build more emotional closeness. Yet for me, the "institution" of marriage seemed to put our previously good relationship at odds. Weird, as we were both in our early 40's and statistically speaking, late marriages are supposed to have a higher rate of success, meaning lasting a lifetime.
So based on the statistics, assumptions and societal mixed messages I was receiving, I started a quest to uncover the answer to Why Get Married? I am still questing.
1 comment:
Hi Anne,
I find your web site very interesting. I have been married for 31 years and I KNOW that financial independence can be a deciding factor early on in the wedded relationship. Had I been blessed with the financial means to be on my own with a child to support, I would have been there with bells on. Having said that I can also say, and I know you know, that living with another person, be they parent, child, sibling, best friend, aunt etc. requires a certain Je ne sais quoi....different for different situations and folks. Also, today, we have too many options regarding what we're going to be, or who we're going to be with and where we'll live. Sometimes I wish I had walked out 30 years ago and yet I have 3 wonderful sons who find security in two parents ( the youngest is 21) So sigh, it's an ongoing battle and like life itself, is a complete mystery to me.
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